Falling Through Timelines I used to laugh louder. I used to sing in the car with the windows down. I used to laugh and make people laugh. I used to want to explore the world, to meet new people, to write, to love, to just be. I used to dream of love. The kind that gives you butterflies, that makes your knees feel weak. I used to smile. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard I cried, or the last time I made someone else laugh until they couldn’t catch their breath. I don’t know exactly when life got this way, when my heart became hard, my wonder became sorrow, my vitality grew distant, like a story I’d once read but never finished. It feels like it’s been forever since I had a conversation that soothed my soul, that left me feeling… seen. I don’t know when the world got this dark, or how I ended up here in a place of bitterness and quiet contempt. Sometimes, I think I went to sleep and woke up in another world, another timeline, another lifetime. Like I’m screaming at myself to wake up, but no sound comes out. And I wonder... how long will it be before I find my way back? Back to laughter. Back to softness. Back to me.
I'm working on getting that spark back, personally. As I get older, I'm realizing that life wasn’t meant to be spent drowning in bills, buried in responsibilities we never really asked for, or giving up the things that once made us feel alive, all in the name of “being an adult.”
Responsibilities don’t magically disappear, of course, but I’m learning that creating balance is everything. Making time for the things that bring me joy is starting to feel less like a luxury and more like a necessity. Some days that’s writing. Some days it’s drawing, even if I’m not great at it yet. Some days it’s reading an entire book from cover to cover without guilt.
There are still things I’m working through, especially when it comes to friendship. I have amazing people in my life, but I don’t have local friends I can laugh with, spend time with in person, or share those little day-to-day joys with. That’s something I deeply want to change.
I do think life gets heavier with age, there’s no denying that. But I also don’t think it was meant to be this way. I think we’ve been conditioned to believe that our worth lies in our productivity, in how much we can give or achieve. When maybe… it’s actually about presence. About building connections, laughing until our stomachs hurt, noticing the beauty in ordinary things, and doing more of what makes us feel alive.
Is this not just what happens as we grow older? Some are lucky and simply do not care. They can keep on smiling. Others are lucky because that have no need to care. Their lives are made easy by birth and circumstance. The rest of us, those who choose to care, just grow older, and we stop smiling so much. I don't know if we can ever get those smiles back.